dontknow1better

i thought my only friend was a G.U.N. but am i glad to be proven wrond..muc better mood :)

i just want to start this off by saying how scary technology is. i was bored went on people finder and in less than 5 min had the addresses of people who wouldnt like me to have them. moving on. these last few weeks have been a living hell mostly becuase i feel so alone. i mean i really have never felt like i belonged but i was always close, lately i feel like i have lost everyone people who i would talk to my problems about have made it clear that they dont want to hear about them. there tired of hearing the same old crap but its the same thing thats bothering me. she does not deserve to be even one of my thoughts she treats me like shit and like some retarted idiot i go back and act like everything is fuckin fine in the world.i cant take it i got a feeling that after prom she isint going to talk to me anymore. thats cool maybe ill regain some of my sanity. in the last month i have been stood up on 5 dates, lied to multiple times, lost some "close" friends, felt pain like never before felt lonleyness like never before had extreme hatred for a group of people. i cant wait to go back to work at jones beach at least there me jackie christine nick greg and brian were "friends". meaning the girls complained we listened and then we one of us had a bad day they were off doing what ever. i feel bad cause me and brian are always really close over the summer but once summer ends we dont talk anymore which sucks cause were into alot of the same stuff. idk why im talking about this i guess its that in the last month when i have needed my friends the most when i called in favors for all the times i helped other people with there shit no one showed up. so i gave up asking and for the last 3 weeks iv gone mad, fuck im not going to lie iv thought about ending it, but thats selfish i wouldnt but this idea really needs to stop coming around in my head. i guess people dont relise it becuse i dont act all bumbed out around people because my mind is on chillen but in class and at home i lose it i start looking at the walls and see them closing in, i have a hard time breathing get dizzy and run out of my room. my parents think im doing hard drugs but im not. they caught me smoking a cigar which i didnt think was bad because i have become a conasuer. cigars interst me almost as much as weapons do. these are two things i enjoy reading abotu ad researching( glad im normal). i cant sit at my lunch table anymroe. one because im a senior and i want to go out two because i cant take it there. when ever i sit there i look around and see people i dont hate but dont like. jill- stood me up and then told me she likes another guy, kim- do i really have to go into it, doug - around us guys hes chill but around girls hes differnet and i hate when people do that be who you are, dana is ok now i kinda talk to her, katie is mad chill but we dont talk, everyone else is chill tho. i hate how if i was really fucked up and did kill myself how people who "know me" would be suprised when the real people who know me know what im going throught and how i cant stand it. my terets are getting worse. after years they have come back and i start losing it which tells me after years of controlling it i no longer can meaning i have lost control of my brain. im not going back on the meds tho fuck that im wayyyy to different on them. but lets talk about everyone ese who i have on more than one occasion stretched an arm out to help and even people i dont talk to anymroe IE jen i still check up on every now and again to see how they are. i know im not liked by many or even most but when jenna schimmel is the only one to ask if im ok wtf does that tell you about who i call friends. i made the mistake of opening up to hughes the other night. told him i felt alone and thats why i have been upset recetly he responded with how he fucks crystal in every room of the house. its weird as a look around my room it looks as though all the stuffed animals are looking away from me not being able to look at me. i look in the mirror and i dont even know what i see anymore. im 18 but what does that mean i can buy guns porn and go to jail for fucking 15 yrds. cool. i was just thinking about if one of the girls i know is upset i ask about it and catch hell for asking about it. but atleast i ask fuckin i could have no arms i dont think anyone noticed untill they asked for a ride and i said no. at least joanna has the desency to ignore me completely and nto fucking care all toghether. plus who am i going open up to about this...i dont know one person who wants to hear my sad story cause i know once i start ill prob break down cause i really cant take this anymore. 17 days untill the end of school and i choose now to lose my mind...i blame her WHY CANT SHE LEAVE MY MIND. just leave me alone leave me to rust in peace........


I brought down the sky for
you but all you did was shrug
You gave my emptiness a name

Then you ran away
Now all my friends are gone
Maybe we've outgrown
All the things we once
Loved

i said dont fuck with me but you didnt listen. you think your got a good laugh we'll see whos laughing in the end. not the first time this has happened to me but its deff the last.

i was talking to kim the other day when it hitme people always turn my music off, friday me and hughes went to the mall and i was listening to metallica and he just sht it off and put his ipod on..i didnt think anything of it but i realized how many people do it to me and people dont understand my music. all kim thinks is that it screamo like lamb of god when its not. people wont even hear it but people fail to realize that my bands influence the bands evryone listens to  so i think im going to start saying no when people go to turn my ipod off

i have done it. i found out what a perfect weekend is. jb was a alot of fun then we go to get on the bus and this kid passes out and me and 2 other kids save his life..so we stopped in queens so the paramedics coudl get him and kim came up to me hugged me and told me i smelled nice :) :) so then we got to the boat and chilled while the comedian was on me and kim were on the deck watching the beutiful city light up at night.we talked for like an hour, so the boat docks we get back to emilys at like 5:30 and thank fully this asshole stole kims blanket so wwe had to go to my car to get mine so i was like hey why dont you and me lay in my car shes like ok, she didnt want to sleep and my half awake ass just speed off going 85 to the beach. mind you i have been awake for 24 hours straight so we get to the beach its closed so we go to wantaugh park for 4 hours then to my house slept for 2 back to emilys then home at 2 slept untill 7 and wnet and got dinner with kim PERFECT WEEKND i never thought 2 kids being assholes would ever benefit me so mch. this is deff a weekend i will never forget. im trying not to like her anymore so we can have more fun caus in the end i kow she wont date me s mightas well have fun with people. i never though jb was going to be like this..my past 2 years sucked in comparrisn to these 2 days. URGGGGG im so happy :) :) ps me and 2 kids sved a life you hve any idea how that makes you feel the dumb asses BAC was .44 i was so proud of myself for not freakin out under pressure i think im going to be just fine in this world.. actually i know im going to be just fine

as the countdown ticks away
i gotta say today was a good day
ill include more later


i just shut my tv off th new southpark sucked. i dont get kim a all. now she wants a boy friend WTF why now and its deff not me. i guess that was kinda made clear.. its not casey cause quote " hes just a pretty face" i think its beattie. good for him i say that because hes a nice kid who deserves a girl. but she pisses me off like most of my agression is towards her but i would never harm her or anyone. she jsut annoys me with her i want a bf i dont i want this person now  dont ..i never had my emotions crushed like that before.. o well i guess its part of life o well ill get over her eventually..hopefully

overall it was a better day like a 5 out of 10

No more left, only one.
This is it, this is the countdown to extinction

in some sick way i have began this count down in my mind. i really dont know why but i have. so i figure ill start a little day by day journal up the 16th. today i went home for lunch.. i figured why be some where im not wanted so fuck that i went home and listened to an amazing song called prom queen by lil wayne i had the beat stuck in my head bbut once i read the lyrics i instantly fell inlove with this song its pretty mmuch my mood..raplhs was funi love malibu bay breeze ice..too bad

I loved her fancy underwear
I sit behind her every year
Waitin' for the chance to get
To tell her Im the one she should be with yeah!
Shes popular with all the guys
So innocent in my eye
I could see her in my life
she would’ve had the world if she was mine

But see she had other plans
I could not understand
Her and her stupid friends
Varsity’s biggest fans
Never forget the day
She laughed and walked away
And I couldnt stop her
I guess she had it all

She had it all figured out
But she left me with a broken heart
Fucked around and turned me down
Cause she didn’t think I could play the part
But now the prom queen, the prom queen
is crying senseless outside of my door
She never know how
How everything could turn around
 

you have no idea how these lyrics have spoken to me......its almost like god dropped this song into my lap. get what hes saying cause their are so many guys and all the want to do is give a girl the world but theyd rather go for the guy whos a dick.. and so they go and turn their back on some nice guy and all he wanted was to give her the fucking world but no he wasent good enough god forbid she should be seen with me someone might think that they were a couple and guys wouldnt be all over...THIS FUCKIN RAGE DRIVES ME.. i concentrate anymore school work HA! i try to do but all i can think of is the hatred i have... i walked outside today saw how beautiful it was and then saw another person and just thought of burning it all down... SHE HAD IT ALL FIGURED OUT BUT SHE LEFT ME WITH A BROKEN HEART

today i realized something..fuck everyone else i think i will say it again fuck everyone else....if you dont want to talk to me fine fuck you dont talk to me if no one wants to talk to me FINE FUCK ALL YOU. call me sick for likeing fucking lyrics and they say you and your friends are insane your not insane nothing close to it you get a little hyper and thik your crazyits called a sugar high you stupid bitch. today i built up so much anger so much hatred over nothing. imagine being their for anyone who needs it then hearing everyone complain they have no one to talk to...well if been walked on misused so im done next time life falls at your feet im going to grab your face and rub it in your own shit.then stomp on your head untill your brain falls out then with  the life fading in your eyes show you it then stomp it too. people want to say im a bad friend fine i wont be thier fo you anymore.. the funny thing is you wont miss me hell you wont even know im gone cause when i fade away you wouldnt realize it and knowing youyou wouldnt care. plus you got people who know you who you can talk about anything with so ill stay here sippin by brew( its funny how time flies well im jsut having fun watching it fly by).  so im not going to say have anice life cause i know for sure this is no goodbye. i couldnt even lie ans ssay i am never talking to you again. cause i bet you would love that nothing better than another person to throw out like trash and what did i do to you nothing what did i do for you any thing you ever needed. i guess life with your ne man mut be pretty good. i should get you some fuckin hay for your high horse....well look at you now face down in the mud looking up for the helping hand and now all your gona get is your hand smacked away and me spitting in your face.. congradulations you earned it. i mean BRAVO on the performace ill give you the academy award. you must feel like your pulling a fast one on me guess what I SEE IT ALL. why you think im so quite cause im listening to what your doing and ssaying and guess what have fun its just going to blow up in your face..been thier done that. o and by the way dont blame me for maybes and what could have happened.. nothing in this life is set in stone. which brings me to somethng else. you dont know me so stop acting like were ok. truth be toldi miss you and truth be told i dont give two shits about you who are you to me your no one. im not the only one who thinks this way so keep talking about me behind my back ( its not that im to damn big to listen to the rumors, its just that im to damn big to pay attention to them..thats the difference) and enough shit about my car. i worked hard earned the money and bought the car. MY PARENTS DIDNT HELP ME ONE BIT SO FUCK OFF WITH THAT. if your going to say im a dick at least give me credit for buying the car. i guess in some ways im sick of women to bad im love women. I LOVE TITES and hot girls but i cant stand them. they like you then they dont they dont know what they want and all they do is complain. and when i get a hot one go figure she dont like me STORY OF MY FUCKING LIFE. then you talk to me with your smile like were bffls but whens the last time you called me. i tried talkng to you but no fuck you go run to her she will talk to you while she xes out my convo. and acts liek she never got it. i have such rage built up right now. i want to watch the world burn...no fuck that i want to poor the lighter fluid. then walk around admiring the beautiful inferno paridice i have created. one day the world will burn.. the strong and prepared will survive and when it comes time for the decision who lives and who goes. i will cast all aside.  watch them fight each other just to see the look when i close the gate. call me a scumb bag ill reply BANG!. my frriends are all around me now thier so clean i polished them and they look ever so sexy knowing they will always be thier for me. they woudl never steal from me or betray me. maybe be used against me but never by their doing. just thnk when im sitting alone this is what i think of the end.....ill let the curtain fall and walk out onto the stage go down the stairs out the door  drift away into the snow storm.. as the actors on stage recieve thier aplose they have no idea the stage crew member has left.. they are having their moment and dont realize that the one who set it all up the one who has been thier since dy one i gone and fades away.....

 

all i think about is the fun
i could have with the gn
just fuckin clappin at everyone

so last night i walked around levittown for 3 hours. just putting pieces of a broken puzzle it and u dont want to ok fine fuck you i tried..i started to think about how i walked alone. and how i was alone... when you go threw my list of "friends" thier are maybe 2 who actually call me or text me to hang out everyone else i got to hunt down like they owe me money..the two dont even cosider me a close friend i mean they will tlak to me if im thier but they got other people theyd rather talk to. i realized as i kept saying to my self i dont care anymore that i wasthe only one that cared. i was in love with kim. and now i could care less thats not suppose to happen. i shouldnt have such rapid changing emotions and if were "friends" dont fuckin ignore me. in  my mind its a huge disrespect its like treating me like im a fcking child thats getting shhhed because the adults are talking..so i realized im going to end up a loner..so i started doing loner stuff i went to T-N-T out door goods store by my self and found me a great 18th birthday gift to myself...cause ill be 18 in 18 days and at the same time i cant stand my birthday nothing good has ever happened on it or come from it..thts why i dont tell people im jsut gona keepshut let it pass. who ever remebers ill say a thk you but anyone else w/e..and i realize that of all the drinking and smoking i do i have a shopping addiction.WTF!?!?! once i turn 18 im gona end up at tri country and broke...so then as i walked by slate i started to think about the girls we hang out with. i think if i see them twice this weekend ill flip cause i can take them anymore. ill take a sausage fest for one night over 2 nights with girls anytime..and then i was thinking of the fun at beatties house. then i just thought about how i try with people who dont try back and for those people i havent stopped caring but i dont try to make conversation ill let it get awkward. then i realized in te new hughes and looking at why we dont see him as much i dont blame him..idk i never really treated him that badly i just busted his balls every now and again. but i guess what comes around goes around..iv been talking to an old friend of mine which got me thinking to all the people i should talk to an hang with. people from work who actually try to make plans with me it jsut never happens to work out. speaking of that i found out alot of sceletons in peoples closetes..  no wonder people got quite thier afraid a bones gona come flying out of thier mouth.  but iv gotten quite and it has nothig to do with that. i guess i just love the quite now and its really quite when im alone just out bakc laying on my deck by myself. im starting to feel like im fading away so im just going with it  why fight back its actually quite enjoyable cause no one notices me. i must have walked by like 50 people last night no one even agnoleged me.. and lately i have had thoughts and dreams. i walk into my room sit in my chair swallow the shotgun barrell and pull the trigger. im always watching it happen while im sitting on my bed like i can try and changeit. but i know i wouldnt kill myself thats to easy and im not a quiter.  so i guess if you see me around be happy cause i know were im not welcome and im done trying to act like i fit in.. im being my self love me for it or hate me for it but im done. 


But now the only 2 releative questions
Is "Do we bury me or burn me? Any suggestions?"
Either way, im up out of here for good
Now when niggaz mention my name
They knockin' on wood

once again i find my self staring at my computer screen like somethings going to change. i realize that how much i have fallen for this girl. i like her so much that im so happy were talking that the rejection coming from her voice sounds so beutiful. as i drift back into fantasy land i think about all the things i havent done in the last 2 months.  and all that iv thought about it all reverts back to her. i need to stop thinking about her which is impossible so far. cause she tells me that on days she really like me its ok to kiss and cuddle and shit like that but infront of other people or if she dont like me that day then god fuckin forbid i show the slightest clue i like her cause she dont want the idea of feelings between us cause if mr perfect shows up illbe thrown under the bus so fast my fuckin head will spin. but then sometimes i feel shes not like that...sometimes..so pretty much im a yoyo she brings me close when she wants to and tosses me at her leisure. even thought shes all i think about iv still tried to get with other girls but thiers always something not right then. either i think thier to young or something comes up and i dont get any which isint a problem more like an inconvienece. while were on the matter god damn kim has nice body..figures the one hot girl i get is bi polar and only wants me sometimes and not int that kind of way..yet...but dont get me wrong thats nt the only reason i like her anyone who can see my face knows shes in my mind.i guess im just going to keep on handling her crazy shit imean were going to jb and prom toghether so i guess i can hold toghether...the only other thing is kelly she called me twice tonight i want nothing more to do with her. ill leave it at that but here i go again thinking of kim i cant get her out of my mind..ever since she mind fucked me she dug deep in their i think if she mind fucked me again but then never told me it was all part of a plan i would back of completely i would be hurt and shed lose a friend but nobody would be mistaking us for a couple.. so once again i fid my self going to lay in bed only to think about her....its pretty much all my fault she told me long ago not to like her but then dana told me she kinda liked me so i went for it but now all this madness is crazy i mean wtf happened. the last thing i want to do is lose her as a friend to. but if you know her just by looking at her you could drop dead. sometimes i wish that she would read this and have clue how she really effects me..i mean i tell her and i dont lie to her i just dont say as much as i would like cause i really liek her and dont want to lose her......which sucks because if i let her know she really really gets to me she will completely back away from me as not to drive me crazy anymoe..idk i guess as he lays back into his bed and looks up at the cieling above him he takes one last glance at the phone to make sure no one has tried to contact him. he inhales deep breath in says wtf is wrong with me deep breath out and thinks to him self maybe its her....


then i keep having the same dream its me and kim at nassau colliseum im walking around and i see brain fougal a kid who i work with and then i talk to him and then i see pam this southern woman who i hate and kims behind me never says anything to me just keeps quite and stand behind me and i have many reasons why but im not sure..back when i first meet kim i had a dream she was raped and i could have stopped it now imhaving dreams that i should be happy i see brain after like 6 months and im with kim at work i have no idea why this combo would make me so happy but then everything falls apart...i guess idk anymore all i know is im not going back to my old life.

The Other Me Is Gone.
Now I don't know where I belong 

We were never alive,
And we won't be born again.
But I'll never survive
With Dead Memories in my heart.